The Phrases shared by My Parent Which Saved Me when I became a New Father

"I think I was simply just surviving for twelve months."

One-time reality TV star Ryan Libbey anticipated to cope with the demands of being a father.

Yet the reality soon turned out to be "very different" to his expectations.

Life-threatening health issues surrounding the birth caused his partner Louise being hospitalised. All of a sudden he was thrust into acting as her primary caregiver as well as taking care of their baby boy Leo.

"I was doing every night time, every nappy change… every walk. The duty of both parents," Ryan stated.

Following 11 months he burnt out. That was when a conversation with his own dad, on a public seat, that made him realise he needed help.

The straightforward phrases "You aren't in a good place. You need some help. What can I do to help you?" opened the door for Ryan to express himself truthfully, seek support and regain his footing.

His story is commonplace, but seldom highlighted. While society is now more accustomed to addressing the pressure on moms and about postpartum depression, less is said about the struggles fathers encounter.

'It's not weak to seek assistance

Ryan believes his challenges are linked to a broader failure to open up among men, who continue to internalise negative ideas of what it means to be a man.

Men, he says, tend to think they must be "the rock that just gets hit and remains standing with each wave."

"It is not a sign of weakness to request help. I didn't do that quick enough," he clarifies.

Clinical psychologist Dr Jill Domoney, a specialist who studies mental health surrounding childbirth, notes men frequently refuse to admit they're struggling.

They can think they are "not a legitimate person to be asking for help" - especially in front of a mum and baby - but she highlights their mental state is just as important to the household.

Ryan's heart-to-heart with his dad provided him with the opportunity to take a break - spending a few days away, separate from the home environment, to see things clearly.

He came to see he had to make a adjustment to focus on his and his partner's emotional states as well as the logistical chores of looking after a infant.

When he shared with Louise, he saw he'd missed "what she longed for" -holding her hand and hearing her out.

Self-parenting

That insight has transformed how Ryan views fatherhood.

He's now composing Leo letters each week about his feelings as a dad, which he aspires his son will see as he matures.

Ryan believes these will help his son to more fully comprehend the expression of emotional life and make sense of his approach to fatherhood.

The idea of "self-parenting" is something rapper and songwriter Professor Green - whose name is Stephen Manderson - has also strongly identified with since becoming a dad to his son Slimane, who is now four.

During his childhood Stephen lacked reliable male parenting. Despite having an "incredible" bond with his dad, profound difficult experiences caused his father found it hard to cope and was "in and out" of his life, complicating their bond.

Stephen says bottling up emotions resulted in him make "terrible actions" when in his youth to change how he was feeling, turning in alcohol and substances as a way out from the anguish.

"You find your way to substances that are harmful," he notes. "They might briefly alter how you feel, but they will ultimately cause more harm."

Advice for Coping as a First-Time Parent

• Open up to someone - when you are swamped, tell a trusted person, your partner or a professional about your state of mind. Doing so may to reduce the stress and make you feel less alone.
• Maintain your passions - keep doing the activities that helped you to feel like the person you were before the baby arrived. Examples include exercising, meeting up with mates or a favourite hobby.
• Don't ignore the body - eating well, getting some exercise and where possible, resting, all contribute in how your mind is faring.
• Connect with other new dads - sharing their journeys, the messy ones, and also the positive moments, can help to validate how you're experiencing things.
• Remember that seeking help is not failure - looking after yourself is the most effective way you can look after your family.

When his father subsequently died by suicide, Stephen understandably had difficulty processing the death, having not spoken to him for a long time.

As a dad now, Stephen's resolved not to "continue the chain" with his boy and instead offer the stability and emotional guidance he lacked.

When his son starts to have a tantrum, for example, they do "shaking it out" together - managing the frustrations safely.

The two men Ryan and Stephen explain they have become improved and more well-rounded men because they acknowledged their struggles, transformed how they talk, and figured out how to control themselves for their kids.

"I am now more capable of… dealing with things and managing things," states Stephen.

"I put that down in a letter to Leo the other week," Ryan shares. "I wrote, on occasion I think my role is to instruct and tell you what to do, but actually, it's a exchange. I am understanding as much as you are through this experience."